After everything that has happened from the tears, pain, and uncontrollable mixed feelings, I'm finally doing better. After realizing some things and some intense thinking, I feel alot better. No, it doesnt take away the pain but it does help. So do some other things that I can't really explain to you.
So this post is very short, I know. But i just wanted you to know that I'm surviving.
No boi, or anyone, is going to ruin my life. I am who I am and nothings going to take that away from me.
2.14.2010
2.07.2010
I Wanna Disappear
You know how when you kiss someone, you either feel something or you dont, but if you do, you want that kiss more and more? Or that you just want to stay in the position you are in forever?
I fell for him. He was my everything and I was his. We connected, we shared something, and we were so special. After everything Ive been through, I never expected to find someone and let alone fall for someone so soon.
I wasnt IN LOVE I dont think, but I did love him. He might not have loved me yet, but I know his feelings toward me were strong. There was passion, emotion, and truth. I saw it in his eyes and I felt something strong everytime I dazed into those sparkling eyes.
I know I say I feel something with a lot of people but this was a different something. It was better, I was happier, and it was real. I had never felt so beautiful, so flawless, so perfect because he made me feel that way.
I could honestly go on for hours, telling you how I feel, but it doesnt matter anymore...
its over...
the feelings died he said...
I dont know if I believe tht or not, but it still hurts like a bitch. Oh and if it makes things better, he is dating my ex now, Tyler. You know how much that KILLS me? I was so furious, so hurt, so upset when I found out. Oh and SO confused!!!! I didnt understand anything anymore. I also lost some self esteem too. I dont feel so attractive anymore, or like Im a good person at all. I feel that Im stupid, not good at anything, a "backup plan", and just overall misunderstood.
Not a day goes by Im not thinking of him and all the little things he did that I loved. All the memories flood my mind constantly and wont stop for a split second. Its so hard not to just break down and cry when Im out. Everything in this world reminds me of him and Im not even kidding.
I just dont understand...
How he can give up on us like that. How he could just drop me like that. He says he doesnt feel anything for me anymore but I dont believe that one bit. He is coming up with excuses because he is infatuated by Tyler.
Well, lets just say with Tyler's help, I have learned more about him and well, its been interesting. Im not gonna discuss it but turns out, I'm kinda glad we are over. I see who he really is, and I can't believe I fell for it, and for him.
He hurt me, but that has just made me stronger, and smarter. It's gonna be tough to be with someone, but I know I can do it.
I fell for him. He was my everything and I was his. We connected, we shared something, and we were so special. After everything Ive been through, I never expected to find someone and let alone fall for someone so soon.
I wasnt IN LOVE I dont think, but I did love him. He might not have loved me yet, but I know his feelings toward me were strong. There was passion, emotion, and truth. I saw it in his eyes and I felt something strong everytime I dazed into those sparkling eyes.
I know I say I feel something with a lot of people but this was a different something. It was better, I was happier, and it was real. I had never felt so beautiful, so flawless, so perfect because he made me feel that way.
I could honestly go on for hours, telling you how I feel, but it doesnt matter anymore...
its over...
the feelings died he said...
I dont know if I believe tht or not, but it still hurts like a bitch. Oh and if it makes things better, he is dating my ex now, Tyler. You know how much that KILLS me? I was so furious, so hurt, so upset when I found out. Oh and SO confused!!!! I didnt understand anything anymore. I also lost some self esteem too. I dont feel so attractive anymore, or like Im a good person at all. I feel that Im stupid, not good at anything, a "backup plan", and just overall misunderstood.
Not a day goes by Im not thinking of him and all the little things he did that I loved. All the memories flood my mind constantly and wont stop for a split second. Its so hard not to just break down and cry when Im out. Everything in this world reminds me of him and Im not even kidding.
I just dont understand...
How he can give up on us like that. How he could just drop me like that. He says he doesnt feel anything for me anymore but I dont believe that one bit. He is coming up with excuses because he is infatuated by Tyler.
____________________________________
ABOUT A MONTH LATER
___________________________________________________________
Well, lets just say with Tyler's help, I have learned more about him and well, its been interesting. Im not gonna discuss it but turns out, I'm kinda glad we are over. I see who he really is, and I can't believe I fell for it, and for him.
He hurt me, but that has just made me stronger, and smarter. It's gonna be tough to be with someone, but I know I can do it.
The past, is in the past...
=]
1.07.2010
What Hurts the Most
Its not the greatest thing in the world when your ex, someone you truely love, calls you a monwhore. OH, and tells you that you are desperate, to leave them alone and go off and fuck everyone I see like I prolly do, and continue to have phone sex with all these guys I talk to that are long distance, and to just completly leave them the fuck alone that they are sick of you and dont care. Finally to top it off, they never wanna speak to you again.
Yea, it hurts,
so much...
='[
12.31.2009
Welcome 2010
ITS HERE!!!!
:]
Happy New Year
So, for 2010 I have a few resolutions I would love to hold on to. These include:
- Possibly starting my music career
- Live up life as much as I possiby can
- Get to know this certain someone better
- Work harder in school
I am SO excited for new things to come this year. new experiences, people, relationships, friendships, memories, and just about anything life has to throw at me.
2009 was a year I will never forget. Many first times and changes have came out of the past year. I learned alot about myself, and I also learned a lot about life and love.
I wish everyone ouut there in this crazy world another year to remember!!!
PEACE xD
12.30.2009
A Fresh Start
Well, I apoligive for not updating this thing like I said I would.
I kinda got caught up in other things.
Hmmm well
Not too much is different.
Me and Cain broke up, cause of distance. But it is all good cause we still talk as really good friends. Its great :]
Auditions for the musical were in December, before winter break. I got the part of an Apostle, I'm pretty juiced for that!!!!
Christmas stopped by again; imagine that! I got some gift cards and with that I bought some pretty cool clothes. I also got a laptop, which was the best of them all!
That's really all I have to say for now. I pretty much just woke up so I'm tired as hell and I kinda have a headache.
ill post later, promise xD
I kinda got caught up in other things.
Hmmm well
Not too much is different.
Me and Cain broke up, cause of distance. But it is all good cause we still talk as really good friends. Its great :]
Auditions for the musical were in December, before winter break. I got the part of an Apostle, I'm pretty juiced for that!!!!
Christmas stopped by again; imagine that! I got some gift cards and with that I bought some pretty cool clothes. I also got a laptop, which was the best of them all!
That's really all I have to say for now. I pretty much just woke up so I'm tired as hell and I kinda have a headache.
ill post later, promise xD
9.07.2009
First Step Forward
If you have read my last blog, you know that I am trying my best to move on and I have found someone really amazing to do so with!
He thinks we are perfect for each other and I totally think I agree.
Don't think that I'm just saying that, or that I am saying it just cause I'm dating someone. I really mean it.
His name is Cain (Kane) Brad George Heuftle, isn't his name unique??? =]
We met on myspace, of course lol, but I don't know he made me feel like I could fall for someone again. I really loved all we had in common and was shocked by how quick I have gotten to know him. The only thing that wasn't perfect was that he lived in Nebraska, about 13 hours away but we have a couple of plans to meet this year and summer.
Gahh is voice is so so so so cute and soft, unless he is haha uhmm being dirty =]. He is very gorgeous and has an amazing smile. He is a real fun to talk to and I'm looking forward to what we can lead to be in the future.
I found someone who loves me the same way as I love them. Someone whom they constantly miss and want to be with so much. Someone who can not resist themselves from me and would just kiss me every chance they could.
He thinks we are perfect for each other and I totally think I agree.
Don't think that I'm just saying that, or that I am saying it just cause I'm dating someone. I really mean it.
His name is Cain (Kane) Brad George Heuftle, isn't his name unique??? =]
We met on myspace, of course lol, but I don't know he made me feel like I could fall for someone again. I really loved all we had in common and was shocked by how quick I have gotten to know him. The only thing that wasn't perfect was that he lived in Nebraska, about 13 hours away but we have a couple of plans to meet this year and summer.
Gahh is voice is so so so so cute and soft, unless he is haha uhmm being dirty =]. He is very gorgeous and has an amazing smile. He is a real fun to talk to and I'm looking forward to what we can lead to be in the future.
I found someone who loves me the same way as I love them. Someone whom they constantly miss and want to be with so much. Someone who can not resist themselves from me and would just kiss me every chance they could.
Cain Brad and Dustin Ray
8.22.09
Cute huh?
=]
<3333333333333
Cute huh?
=]
<3333333333333
Waiting in the cold
All this time I was wasting hoping you would come around.
I've been giving out chances every time and all you do is let me down.
And its taken me this long but baby I figured you out.
And your thinking we'll be fine again but not this time around.
You're looking so innocent I might believe you if I didn't know.
Could've loved you all my life if you hadn't left me waiting in the cold.
And you got your share of secrets and I'm tired of being last to know.
And now you're asking me to listen 'cause its worked each time before
You had me crawling for you honey and it never would have gone away, no
You you to shine so bright but all of it fade.
You don't have to call, anymore.
I won't pick up the phone
This is the last, straw.
Don't wanna hurt anymore. (There's nothing left to beg for)
And you can tell me that you're sorry,
but I don't believe you baby like I did, before
You're not sorry, no no oh
Ever have a moment where you think that life couldn't get any better than what you have?
Ever love somebody so much that you were just insanely crazy about someone and they were the only person you wanted?
Ever have all of that change in a few simple sentences?
Ever love somebody so much that you were just insanely crazy about someone and they were the only person you wanted?
Ever have all of that change in a few simple sentences?
Tyler and I, are over, its through, end of story.
He called one night crying, telling me he asked out Jessica but he didn't want to date her. He also told me he kissed her but it meant nothing. I totally understood that then and told me he was going to try and end it as soon as he could and that he still loved me so very much.
He spent more and more time with her, and less with me. That caused him to start liking her. When I heard that I didn't want to believe but I knew that things were starting to change, and they did. I began losing someone I needed so much in my life and thought I would never lose.
He loves her now and we barely speak, he could care less about me. If he does, he never shows it.
It was so hard to handle, especially after we had just got to an amazing point in a relationship. I thought I finally knew who I was going to spend the rest of my life with. I'm crying now just typing this it still hurts and they have been together since 7/25.
I couldn't believe I lost someone I loved again to someone else, especially now that I knew I was in love. We fought so hard to get where we were and now its all gone.
I relive every moment in my head and I break down. There is not a second I wonder, what if I would have tried and made things different, or, was all this my fault? I lost myself in all of this and didn't think I could move on. I wanna wake up again and feel beautiful and everythings ok.
Now I'm trying everything I possibly can to move on cause I know he could care less about me and would never love me the way I loved him.
I still love him and have hardcore feelings for him but I have to let that go, with time of course, but I found someone who helps get my mind off of him a bit and he is a really sweet guy.
I just don't see how Tyler gave up on me so easily if he loved me like he said he did.
Well all we will ever be is good friends and I guess I see that now.
But some part of me will always have some feelings for him
He called one night crying, telling me he asked out Jessica but he didn't want to date her. He also told me he kissed her but it meant nothing. I totally understood that then and told me he was going to try and end it as soon as he could and that he still loved me so very much.
He spent more and more time with her, and less with me. That caused him to start liking her. When I heard that I didn't want to believe but I knew that things were starting to change, and they did. I began losing someone I needed so much in my life and thought I would never lose.
He loves her now and we barely speak, he could care less about me. If he does, he never shows it.
It was so hard to handle, especially after we had just got to an amazing point in a relationship. I thought I finally knew who I was going to spend the rest of my life with. I'm crying now just typing this it still hurts and they have been together since 7/25.
I couldn't believe I lost someone I loved again to someone else, especially now that I knew I was in love. We fought so hard to get where we were and now its all gone.
I relive every moment in my head and I break down. There is not a second I wonder, what if I would have tried and made things different, or, was all this my fault? I lost myself in all of this and didn't think I could move on. I wanna wake up again and feel beautiful and everythings ok.
Now I'm trying everything I possibly can to move on cause I know he could care less about me and would never love me the way I loved him.
I still love him and have hardcore feelings for him but I have to let that go, with time of course, but I found someone who helps get my mind off of him a bit and he is a really sweet guy.
I just don't see how Tyler gave up on me so easily if he loved me like he said he did.
Well all we will ever be is good friends and I guess I see that now.
But some part of me will always have some feelings for him
7.24.2009
Tyler C. Gunter
Okay so I had my head so mixed up and I was confused with what I wanted.
Dillon was a huge mistake. I liked him only because he was saying things I wanted to hear.
Long story short, I'm with Tyler now. Well not like with with, but we both love each other a lot. I know you probably think I'm just saying that but it's true.
When I went to the fair last Saturday, I met up with Tyler. We hung out pretty much the whole time and he invited me to stay the night at his house. Once I finally got to his house I had a talk with him about Dillon and told him I wanted him, and that I love him.
That night was amazing! We played hide and seek when it was dark with his sister. me and Ty went and hid by a tree and his sister was looking for us with a flashlight. That thing was bright! Well we got really close to each other behind the tree. We both put our arms around each other and I layed my head on his shoulder. I felt amazing at that moment. I wanted to kiss him so bad!
Then after a while he turned his head and I looked at him. I went for it; I kissed him. It was the best feeling in the world. My heart was racing, and I could not believe this was happening to me. Everything at that moment just felt so right. I loved it. We were there for quite a while honestly but we had to go back because his sister would end up giving up.
We hid on the road too. That was fun.
When we got done playing and everyone was asleep, I think, we went and layed on the trampoline. Yea, we kissed and held each other and just layed there for a while under the stars and the moonlight. Eveything was so peaceful and beautiful. I feel so safe when he wroaps his arms around me. When I kiss him, I feel such a strong connection and emotion. I can honestly say that I have never felt like this before with somebody.
I had so much fin at his house, I didn't want to leave. I miss him so much right now.
Tyler is such a sweet guy and so much fun to be around. He just makes me so happy like no one has and I love that.
Is it too soon to believe that he could be the one for me??
I have known him since June 19 and started liking him shortly after that.
I love these feeling I have for him and I never want them to stop.
Wow, I love Tyler, so much.
He is all I want and will be the only thing I ever want. Nothing is going to change that. I will always be here for him.
Dillon was a huge mistake. I liked him only because he was saying things I wanted to hear.
Long story short, I'm with Tyler now. Well not like with with, but we both love each other a lot. I know you probably think I'm just saying that but it's true.
When I went to the fair last Saturday, I met up with Tyler. We hung out pretty much the whole time and he invited me to stay the night at his house. Once I finally got to his house I had a talk with him about Dillon and told him I wanted him, and that I love him.
That night was amazing! We played hide and seek when it was dark with his sister. me and Ty went and hid by a tree and his sister was looking for us with a flashlight. That thing was bright! Well we got really close to each other behind the tree. We both put our arms around each other and I layed my head on his shoulder. I felt amazing at that moment. I wanted to kiss him so bad!
Then after a while he turned his head and I looked at him. I went for it; I kissed him. It was the best feeling in the world. My heart was racing, and I could not believe this was happening to me. Everything at that moment just felt so right. I loved it. We were there for quite a while honestly but we had to go back because his sister would end up giving up.
We hid on the road too. That was fun.
When we got done playing and everyone was asleep, I think, we went and layed on the trampoline. Yea, we kissed and held each other and just layed there for a while under the stars and the moonlight. Eveything was so peaceful and beautiful. I feel so safe when he wroaps his arms around me. When I kiss him, I feel such a strong connection and emotion. I can honestly say that I have never felt like this before with somebody.
I had so much fin at his house, I didn't want to leave. I miss him so much right now.
Tyler is such a sweet guy and so much fun to be around. He just makes me so happy like no one has and I love that.
Is it too soon to believe that he could be the one for me??
I have known him since June 19 and started liking him shortly after that.
I love these feeling I have for him and I never want them to stop.
Wow, I love Tyler, so much.
He is all I want and will be the only thing I ever want. Nothing is going to change that. I will always be here for him.
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